午夜福利1000集合

IT WAS the year that NASA discovered life on Mars鈥攁gain. The news
brought a welcome boost for NASA鈥檚 space programme鈥攗nleashing a wad of
greenbacks in pursuit of Little Green Men. The cash-strapped Russians were not
so lucky. Their Martian probe ended up in South America. Of course, you don鈥檛
find many Martians in South America, but it is a lot cheaper to get there.

In Britain, it was discovered that 鈥渕ad cow disease鈥� could spread to humans.
The disease attacks the brain, affecting mental processes and making creatures
unsteady on their feet. The first symptoms were noticed among government
ministers. It was also a year of bypasses. The Berkshire town of Newbury got one
that it didn鈥檛 need. And Boris Yeltsin couldn鈥檛 get enough of them. But enough
of this year. Now that the season鈥檚 festivities are just a blurred memory, it is
time to refresh the brain cell with New Scientist鈥檚 traditional dose of cold
turkey鈥攖he Christmas Quiz.

Bad hangovers

1. The world鈥檚 oldest wine was first made about 7000 years ago, according to
American researchers. But what did it taste like?

1. turpentine
2. vinegar
3. awful. It could well have been the same vintage as the stuff you had at
   the office party after the fizz ran out

2. You will have gathered plenty of empirical evidence about the effects of
booze at all those parties over the past few weeks. So what do you think is the
first sign of drunkenness?

1. leaning on the bar to compensate for being vertically challenged
2. being dictionally challenged
3. finding yourself unable to say 鈥渄ictionally challenged鈥�

Christmas presents

3. All I want for Christmas is a . . . well, what would be an ideal present
for someone who wants to tackle the surf?

1. A telephone number in Hull, which will soon allow you to view
   videos-on-demand and give high-speed access to the Net
2. an ISDN line to speed up the graphics on all those Web pages
3. a free ticket to a beach with guaranteed 2-metre high waves travelling at
   10 metres per second

Military secrets

4. Six thousand times in the 15 years up to 1994 the Swedish Navy detected
the sound of something rotating in the water. The estimated speed was roughly
200 rpm. What was causing it?

1. sinister Soviet submarines
2. exploratory drilling for oil by Russian prospectors
3. the furious paddling of furry feet belonging to inquisitive otters

Hot air

5. What will help to postpone the threat of global warming by cutting
emissions of greenhouse gases?

1. buying up old lawnmowers in Los Angeles and replacing them with more
   efficient ones
2. preventing the Ku Klux Klan from burning crosses
3. the cull of cattle as a result of BSE will reduce Britain鈥檚 greenhouse
   emissions by 3 per cent鈥攄ead heifers don鈥檛 fart or belch.

Seasonal puzzles

6. The streetwise mice of Birmingham have learnt to avoid the cereal-based
poison that is normally put out for rodents. So what do you bait your mousetrap
with?

1. chocolate鈥攚hich appeals to the same part of the rodent鈥檚 brain as
   cannabis
2. tuna
3. mousetrap cheddar

7. Who seddit?

鈥淭he wind-up radio is ingenious. I am proud that it is a British
颈苍惫别苍迟颈辞苍.鈥�

1. John Birt, the present guardian of the BBC鈥檚 World Service
2. John Major, a British Prime Minister
3. Tony Hancock, the late comedian

8. And who said this?

鈥淭his was an unintentional finding and we can鈥檛 really explain it.鈥�

1. Robert Abbott, from the University of Virginia, after discovering that
   middle-aged men who drink milk are less likely to have a stroke
2. Transport minister George Young on learning that a bypass will make little
   difference to traffic in Newbury
3. Agriculture minister Douglas Hogg, who was arguing that it was safe for
   Europeans to eat British beef

Patently obvious

9. A new medicine for cold sores was patented this year. What was it?

1. dilute glycolic acid, a treatment for wrinkles
2. an extract from deep-sea sponges that only grow around New Zealand
3. A cold tea bag, preferably Earl Grey

* * *

The man with the luminous balls

is David Ginola, the Newcastle United footballer. But how do the balls help
him score?

1. they shed light on the metatarsus, so that he can see what he鈥檚
   kicking
2. it is all part of a computer game called FIFA 97
3. They don鈥檛. He was an exhibit in this year鈥檚 Blackpool illuminations

* * *

How you scored

Less than zero: We don鈥檛 want to be too negative about this, so on this
occasion you can be pleased with a low score

Zero: On average your score is pretty average

More than zero: A pretty good effort. But deduct 30 points if you
were not playing the quiz for laughs

* * *

Answers

1. a) 5 b) -5 c) 0

2. a) -5 b) 5 c) 0

3. a) -5 b) -5 c) 5

4. a) -5 b) -5 c) 5

5. a) -5 b) -5 c) 5

6. a) -10 b) 5 c) -5

7. a)-5 b) 5 c) -5

8. a) 5 b) -5 c) -10

9. a) -5 b) -5 c) 5

Picture question: a) -5 b) 5 c) -10