DID you know that leering at your hostess while piling a mountain of food
onto your dinner plate is a definite faux pas? That the sculptures in a museum
are not meant to be used as climbing frames, coat racks or places to stick a
spent wad of chewing gum? Or that apple pie 脿 la mode should be eaten
with a spoon, not a fork?
You didn鈥檛? Shame on you. If only you had attended Charm School at the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology last month, you would have learned these
and other important lessons in proper public comportment. 鈥淚 was shocked,鈥�
confessed an earnest young undergraduate, on learning about the correct way to
eat a piece of pie buried under a pint of ice cream.
Table manners and museum decorum are not exactly standard fare at MIT. But
for the past eight years, these courses have been offered during a special
one-day etiquette extravaganza that aims to teach MIT鈥檚 bookish overachievers
how to behave in the real world. Travis Merritt, a former dean of undergraduate
academic affairs, devised the crash course in response to the typical MIT
student鈥檚 tendency to be 鈥渟tyle-free, fashion-challenged, and manner-deprived鈥�.
Classes include how to schmooze (formally titled 鈥渂uttering up big shots鈥�), how
to accessorise, and how to walk (which, at MIT, is naturally referred to as
鈥渆xemplary locomotion鈥�). Merritt himself teaches an hour-long co-ed course on
bathroom behaviour inside a crowded men鈥檚 room. There isn鈥檛 space here to give
you all the details, but broadly speaking think careful aim, thorough
hand-washing and always zipping up afterwards.
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With insights like this on offer, it鈥檚 no surprise that every year hundreds
of MIT students devote a day (well, four hours) to the pursuit of propriety.
When I arrive, clusters of students are already hunched over their course
descriptions, carefully studying their schedules, trying to figure out which
classes to attend. This being MIT, there鈥檚 the whole question of which level of
charm to aim for. Participants can earn diplomas for a bachelor鈥檚 degree, a
master鈥檚 or a PhD in politeness, depending on how many courses they鈥檙e willing
to attend.
One student is fretting about how he can squeeze in the dozen or so lectures
he needs to secure a coveted PhD. So far, so typical of MIT. It鈥檚 just the names
of the courses that mark this day out as something special. 鈥淔lirting!鈥� blurts
out a sweet, spiky-haired young man when I ask the group which class they think
will prove most valuable. Flirting 101 is one of the most popular classes,
teaching students the timeless art of asking some hot young thing for his or her
phone number. Though I don鈥檛 feel a burning need to brush up on my own skills in
that particular area, I鈥檓 still curious to see what this eager young group will
make of it. So when they pick up their backpacks and troop off, I tag along.
The bell rings, and 15 students are squirming nervously in seats arranged in
a semicircle to allow maximum participation. First, girls and boys are asked
separately what sort of signals they would interpret as interest from a
potential paramour. Topping the boys鈥� list: flirty girls glance at you, smile at
you, and talk to you. (Talk to you? Is that really all it takes? That explains a
lot about . . . oh, never mind.)
The girls, on the other hand, reported that guys who are interested will ogle
you, tease you, and 鈥渮ephyr鈥� you鈥攑estering you with a barrage of instant
e-mails on the MIT network. Neither technique is ideal. The guys wish that girls
would ask them more questions, and let them know straight away if they already
have a boyfriend. The girls have two pieces of advice for the guys: 鈥渄on鈥檛 be
nerdy geeks鈥� and (please) 鈥渘o stalking鈥�.
By now, I feel I鈥檝e learned enough about the MIT dating scene, so I leave
these would-be sexperts to their lesson and head over to the session on business
etiquette. It鈥檚 swamped by students hoping to pick up some pointers on how to
succeed outside academia. As I elbow my way into the crowd, instructor Roseanne
Thomas is reviewing how you should accept a compliment. 鈥淪ay thank you,鈥�
explains Thomas, president of Protocol Advisors, whom MIT has brought in for the
day. 鈥淎nd if it鈥檚 a particularly nice compliment: Thank you very much.鈥� For
those who are interested in learning a more advanced move鈥攁ttempting to
give a compliment鈥擳homas offers these tips: You can praise someone鈥檚 work,
but don鈥檛 fawn over their attire, their hairstyle, or their appearance. In
particular, she notes, avoid complimenting a woman on her pregnancy, as
appearances can sometimes be deceptive.
鈥淭hese are basic skills needed anywhere in life,鈥� Thomas tells me after
class. 鈥淚 think it comes as a little bit of a shock when people realise that
interpersonal skills are so critical for success.鈥� I smile politely, grateful
for the insight (鈥渢hank you, thank you very much鈥�), and slip off to the class on
cellphone conduct which is noticeably devoid of students. 鈥淕uess everybody
already knows everything about cellphone etiquette,鈥� says instructor Jill Soucy.
She is busy setting her own cellphone to play F眉r Elise, to annoy the
students still stacked three-deep around Thomas and her business wisdom.
A tacky ring tone is just one example of a cellphone don鈥檛, Soucy explains.
The rest involve little more than basic politeness. But she goes on to describe
the most flagrant (and potentially unsanitary) breach of communications
etiquette she has ever witnessed: someone chatting with a client on their
cellphone while using a public rest room. 鈥淣ever close a deal on the crapper,鈥�
she advises鈥攊f you don鈥檛 want your associates to overhear someone in the
next stall asking for spare toilet tissue.
As the day draws to a close, the band plays Pomp and Circumstance on kazoo,
and the graduates march with their degrees, proud that they now know how to
sneeze discreetly, and are aware that 鈥渟mall talk is a dialogue, not an
interrogation鈥�. But can one day of etiquette boot camp really turn these proud
young dweebs into well-mannered, sophisticated citizens? Only time will tell. In
the meantime, Merritt is quick to note, 鈥渢he students here are no worse than
anyplace else鈥�. And, thanks to Charm School, they鈥檝e got the certificates to
prove it.
