Psychologist John Gottman reveals what makes for long-term success and explodes a few myths about romantic love along the way鈥�
Are the things that make us fall in love with someone good predictors of a successful long-term relationship?
As far as I know they鈥檙e not predictive of anything.
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So what are they there for?
That original attraction is an evolutionary mechanism for selecting a mate, to maximise genetic variability to ensure the survival of the species. But arranged marriages are as stable as, sometimes more stable than, relationships selected on the basis of love. Romantic love doesn鈥檛 seem to be necessary for a stable relationship, and there is some evidence that it clouds judgement.
Does this imply that romantic love is a poor basis for a marriage?
I would agree with that. In a long relationship, romance, sex and passion are pretty different to how they are in the initial stages of attraction. That鈥檚 not to say that love and romance are dead. I think they are quite wonderful and they can be a basis for a relationship. Part of the problem is that people don鈥檛 know what to look for when they engage in courtship.
What should they look for?
The signs are really very simple. First of all, are you getting treated with love, affection and respect? Do you feel there is a basis in terms of nurturing, support and affection? Do you really like spending time with this person, so that the time sort of flows like wine? Is it easy to be together? Do you like yourself when you are with this person? As people get closer, the other thing to look for is the feeling that you can create a sense of shared purpose and meaning and values. I think that is enough to move forward and think in terms of a long-term relationship.
How do you study relationships scientifically?
Over the last 20 years, we have studied couples across the course of their relationships, from people who have just got married or engaged through to couples who are in their late 80s. We can ask if they鈥檙e different to those other people who, though they seemed fine to us, are now divorced. Over time we came to realise that there is just a small set of things that people do in relationships that work.
Such as?
We found we could predict, with greater than 90 per cent accuracy, what was going to happen to a relationship over the next three years by examining a couple鈥檚 physiology and behaviour during a conversation they had about something they didn鈥檛 agree on, and by interviewing them about their past. For couples whose relationships lasted, the ratio of positive to negative statements during a conflict conversation was 5 to 1. For those in relationships that fell apart, the ratio was about 1 to 1.
鈥淪ex, romance and passion are not magic. There is a recipe for creating them in long-term relationships鈥�
Can you really boil down the complexities of relationships into a few simple rules?
I think there really is a science to this. The level of predictability is so high. Of course, the proof of the pudding will be in being able to create change in a relationship. Sex, romance and passion are not magic. They are really pretty simple. There is a recipe for creating them in long-term relationships. There is a way of doing it.
What is the recipe?
The first thing is that sex, romance and passion are about taking in information and energy, as opposed to broadcasting them. So it is not about being sexy or being attractive, it is about being interested in your partner and being receptive and knowing them, and taking in something deep and fundamental about them. It is a moment-to-moment decision to be interested, to be complimentary.
Don鈥檛 you believe in the magic of love?
I think it鈥檚 a lie. It means you don鈥檛 have any responsibility for making a relationship work. You can be like Woody Allen and fall in love with your stepdaughter and say: 鈥淭here鈥檚 nothing I can do, I fell in love.鈥� People think that their pheromones should somehow create the feeling of love, or their pituitary gland will take over and create the right hormones. On the contrary, people have a lot of responsibility for love and for emotional and sexual fidelity in a relationship.
For example, I can go to the deli and see a beautiful woman there, and I can just get on with ordering my sandwich. Somebody else might think she was beautiful and then wonder what would happen if they told her that. They give themselves permission to cross a boundary, even though they鈥檙e in a committed relationship. They think, what harm will it do? But the biochemistry of love can take over. In every close conversation you have you secrete oxytocin, you create a bond.
Are some people naturally good at relationships?
Yes. I call them the 鈥渕asters of relationships鈥�. They have this habit of mind where they are looking for things to appreciate. They are looking for things to say 鈥渢hank you鈥� about. At the other extreme, the 鈥渄isasters of relationships鈥� focus on their partner鈥檚 mistakes. They are scanning for what their partner is doing wrong.
What things stand out about bad relationships?
We have found four things that are more corrosive than anything else 鈥� we call them the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Probably the most negative is contempt: direct insults, sarcasm, feeling that you鈥檙e better than your partner. An air of superiority is, by itself, the best predictor of divorce. Criticism is another sign of a relationship going nowhere, as is defensiveness, such as if you respond to a complaint with righteous indignation or as if you are an innocent victim. If you behave this way, you don鈥檛 take any responsibility for the problem. The final thing is stonewalling, or emotional withdrawal from the interaction. We can index that in the lab easily. Stonewallers don鈥檛 give the usual non-verbal backchannels to the speaker. They look away or down and stop responding.
Aren鈥檛 these found in good relationships too?
Criticism and defensiveness are found in all relationships. The difference is that a 鈥渕aster of relationships鈥� will notice that it is not going well and make a repair attempt. I studied what makes repair attempts work for a couple of years before realising that instead of looking at the person making it, I had to look at the person receiving it: what makes the difference is accepting your partner鈥檚 attempt at repair.
Can bad relationships be turned round?
It鈥檚 a natural thing for intimacy to deteriorate if you don鈥檛 put energy into it. As life goes on, couples can ignore one another and stop courtship. They focus on their children or their work. But you can learn what to do if the horsemen of the apocalypse start to attack. There is a scientific basis to this. We can learn from the 鈥渕asters of relationships鈥� and we can stop problems occurring.
