WHAT if my child is addicted? As a clinical psychologist who works with young people, I am regularly asked by parents about video games. It is never about the positives. It seems they are concerned that if they don鈥檛 worry about video games, I will consider them a bad parent.
The people I see aren鈥檛 unusual. A of US parents showed that 86 per cent think teenagers spend too much time playing video games. This chimes with my experience in the UK, where we seem to have a parenting culture in which being negative about video games is acceptable. Parents have laughed in disbelief when I have asked if they have ever played a video game with their children. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 have time for that,鈥� they scoff.
Advertisement
It is hard to imagine a parent being willing to say they don鈥檛 have time for other things their children enjoy, such as books or sports. But video games? Say you never play them and other parents will nod along. There is an undertone of 鈥淚 don鈥檛 have time to waste鈥�.
This is a shame, because many of my fondest memories of my children鈥檚 childhoods are of video games. Not because I am a gamer, but because video games were a passion for my children. Like many parents, their enthusiasm initially made me fearful, but I quickly realised I had two options: fight it or embrace it. I embraced it. Our shared journey through video games enriched their childhoods and brought joy. We aren鈥檛 alone. Recent large-scale have found that time playing video games can be good for well-being and that players experience competence and social connection through gaming.
I saw this happening with my children. I joined them in their Minecraft world and we built imaginary lands we still reminisce about. Watching them play helped them feel valued by me, as I demonstrated I was interested in the things they loved. I saw how, in their games, they felt capable and good about themselves.
As they got older, new fears surfaced. It seemed that everyone took it as read that violent games increased aggression. When I looked at the research, it was less clear: an suggested that evidence for a link between aggressive game play and matching behaviour is weak. My children were drawn to some violent games, and I, too, shot some zombies. I understand that play is a way in which young people make sense of the world, and violence is part of the world, much as we might wish it weren鈥檛.
Video gaming is play, but we don鈥檛 value it the way we do other play. We encourage pretend tea parties and buy sets of Lego, but denigrate role play and construction when it is in Terraria. I saw my children negotiating over who would guard the house while the other went off to farm, and could hear the complexity of the social skills required. I saw their creativity, logic and ability to problem-solve developing through video-game play.
It wasn鈥檛 all good. My son discovered freemium games, where you pay with real money to advance the game. Very quickly, they dominated our life. There was little real play involved and he asked for money constantly. It wasn鈥檛 making anyone happy. I told him I would delete them. He was upset and angry. I found alternative games where we paid upfront 鈥� and we were back on.
Why do I tell you all this? Because embracing your child鈥檚 love of video games can be framed as bad parenting and I think it is the opposite. When you enter your children鈥檚 gaming world, you can draw fine lines between what is and isn鈥檛 acceptable. Rather than a blanket ban, you can make informed choices about what is good and what isn鈥檛.
Fear can block your view. I overcame that fear 鈥� the messages telling me society would judge 鈥� and stepped into my children鈥檚 world. I haven鈥檛 regretted it once.
Naomi Fisher is a clinical psychologist, writer and mother of two
